Gluttony of the Brain

I've had a lot of big things on my mind; big ideas, big questions, big ponderings, big realizations. There's not much room left up there with all that's going on! It's like when you're filling a container with stuff and you have it full to the brim but then you find that last scarf that you know you can poke and prod in there as well. That's how my head feels!

I've recently come to 2 very big realizations in my life...

1. I have no idea what my passions, gifts and talents are. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing and where I am right now but I'm not content. I just can't help but think that there must be something more that I was created for. I've been doing what I'm doing for so long because there was a need for it, because I do love it and because I'm good at it. A while ago I was just thinking about life and what I love to do and it dawned on me, I'm not really sure what I love to do what I'm really good at, what gives me energy. This isn't a negative thing, it's been exciting thinking about it, praying about it and talking to others about it. It's exciting thinking that God could be taking me new places, and having me do new things! I have the same feeling I get when I have a blank canvas in front of me and a lot of options on how to fill it!
2. All my life I have felt guilty for so. many. things. Things that I don't even have to feel guilty about! I mean the kind of things that when you feel guilty about them it makes you a ridiculous person! [Hello my name is Joni and I am a ridiculous person.] Would you like to know some of the things I've felt guilty about over the years that are ridiculous? Of course you would!
-I don't like water slides
-I enjoy watching movies
-Roller coasters scare me
-Sometimes I just want to be alone
See? I mean who needs to feel guilty about these kinds of things? No one, that's who. People may disagree with my opinion about water slides but it doesn't mean I have to feel bad about it! So I'm going to stop that. It's important that I be ok with who I am I think. Unless it's bad things that really do need to change.

One of the bigger things I've been pondering is how even though I love God so much I do not show it enough or to the best of my ability. Seriously, ponder with me if you will, God's love for me is vast and creative and wonderful, yet somehow I'm very limited in the way that I love Him. Everyone and their barista has gone through or at least heard of The 5 Love Languages. We've all discovered how we are best loved and figured out how to best love the people in our lives according to this. I'm not dissing the theory behind the 5 love languages, I find it helpful. The thing about it is, God is love and He is the one who created all those different ways of loving others so doesn't it make sense that He can be loved in all those ways as well? I don't have to be limited in showing my love to God by singing worship songs and doing good things. I can...no, I should spend quality time with Him, give Him words of affirmation and praise and even gifts. One of the ways that I express love to my friends is making them cards and writing nice things in them. I can do that for God, it might seem silly but He sees my heart in it.

Well it feels good to talk about a few of the things stuffed in my head. My brain can breath a bit deeper now.

the great escape

Well I successfully ran away from life for a few days. It was fantastic! I went on a whirlwind trip with my friends Debbie and Donya. We called our trip, "The 7 wonders of Saskatchewan tour" only to discover that Saskatchewan is a vast province...thus we stuck to the South East part. We saw some amazing things, met hilarious people and had great adventures along the way! We put a lot of miles on Debbie's granny car! It really was wonderful, you can expect a short series of blogs dedicated to the trip over the next few days.

You know what else though? When you run away from life, everything you were running from is still there when you get back. Waiting to be dealt with.

Is that me I see?

This morning I woke up exhausted, which is never a good thing, and I stumbled out of my bed and towards the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror which stopped me cold. There was only one word for the way I looked.

Haggard.

Seriously, I never use that word but it was the first one that came to mind as I stared back at myself. I took a picture so you all could see what I mean...







Baha jaaaykaaay! I really did take a picture though. I'm not sharing because I look awful. I have bags under my eyes and stringy hair and stressed out skin. Obviously it's time for a vacation, I'm thinking a nice cruise to somewhere warm...

pə(r)ˈtikyələr

Somehow, somewhere along the line I became one of those people.

You know the type,

The ones who have to have their CD's organized according to genre

and their cups placed just so in the cupboard?

Only I don't do those kinds of things.

I'm more the type who does dishes in the same order every single time.

[First plates (but make sure the cutlery is already in the water) then bowls, then cups, then sharps, then cutlery, then anything else in order of cleanest to grossest.]

and also who tries to make things fit together just so when I put them away in a box.

I'm not sure how that happened.

So anyway, today in the fight against that I went against the grain,

I opened a chip bag upside down.

It drove me crazy for the first minute but then I got over it!

So maybe I'm not so bad after all...

So much for sleep.

I am 26 years old

and somehow

I still have no clue who I am.

Well that's not entirely true,

there is some things I know about myself.

I know that I love spaghetti and I know that I hate spiders and I know that I do not like sudden change, thus needing time to adapt.

But for the most part I really don't know who I am

and I'm pretty sure you're supposed to have at least some of it figured out by 26.

Do you know why I don't know who I am?

Because I've spent most of my life being a very good chameleon.

yep.

Some species of this particular lizard can change their skin colour and pattern in order to blend in with their surroundings.

I'm very, very good at that.

In grade 4 my favorite colour was purple...

Because that was Stephanie's favorite colour.

When I was 17 and on a trip to BC with Debbie I liked eating beans on toast...

because Debbie loved it.

A few years ago I taught Sunday school because everyone said I would do a wonderful job...

I dreaded Sunday morning. I am not a good Sunday school teacher.

In high school I was super quiet and stuck with my own crowd because somehow

that is how I was labeled early in my high school career.

In Bible school I was quite outgoing and friends with almost everyone because somehow

that was how I was labeled then.

In my family gatherings I rarely talk.

In my friend gatherings I can easily make people laugh.

So who the heck am I really?

and how do I figure it out?

Forgiveness...

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.

I've had to ask for forgiveness a lot of times in my life

because you see I make lots of mistakes

and I hurt people unintentionally.

It's scary apologizing to someone you love and asking them to forgive you.

But when they offer that forgiveness freely

the feeling is unexplainable.

There's also been a few times when people have sought my forgiveness

and giving it to them is a beautiful thing!

I've also learned that sometimes you have to remind yourself that you forgave them

and even do it again.

But what I'm really wondering about;

what has my mind all muddled is...

What do you do when someone has hurt you but doesn't apologize

and more importantly, doesn't ask for forgiveness.

Hmmmmm.

I believe that God wants us to forgive them anyway

but is it just me or does that seem harder to do when they don't fess up to what they've done?

bloggity, bloggity

I've got all these thoughts swirling around inside my head
Some of them I want to blog
Others, I don't really feel the need to post online
(not that anyone reads this buuuut you never know!)
However, right know the thoughts are all running around in circles,
running into each other, causing crashes of lightning and deep thunder rolls.
I can't even sort them out.
The danger is that they will all smoosh together and become a giant lump of...
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg!
I'm sure they won't though, I can usually sort out the swirlings of my brain...

More to come, if you care that is!