So much for sleep.

I am 26 years old

and somehow

I still have no clue who I am.

Well that's not entirely true,

there is some things I know about myself.

I know that I love spaghetti and I know that I hate spiders and I know that I do not like sudden change, thus needing time to adapt.

But for the most part I really don't know who I am

and I'm pretty sure you're supposed to have at least some of it figured out by 26.

Do you know why I don't know who I am?

Because I've spent most of my life being a very good chameleon.

yep.

Some species of this particular lizard can change their skin colour and pattern in order to blend in with their surroundings.

I'm very, very good at that.

In grade 4 my favorite colour was purple...

Because that was Stephanie's favorite colour.

When I was 17 and on a trip to BC with Debbie I liked eating beans on toast...

because Debbie loved it.

A few years ago I taught Sunday school because everyone said I would do a wonderful job...

I dreaded Sunday morning. I am not a good Sunday school teacher.

In high school I was super quiet and stuck with my own crowd because somehow

that is how I was labeled early in my high school career.

In Bible school I was quite outgoing and friends with almost everyone because somehow

that was how I was labeled then.

In my family gatherings I rarely talk.

In my friend gatherings I can easily make people laugh.

So who the heck am I really?

and how do I figure it out?

Forgiveness...

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.

I've had to ask for forgiveness a lot of times in my life

because you see I make lots of mistakes

and I hurt people unintentionally.

It's scary apologizing to someone you love and asking them to forgive you.

But when they offer that forgiveness freely

the feeling is unexplainable.

There's also been a few times when people have sought my forgiveness

and giving it to them is a beautiful thing!

I've also learned that sometimes you have to remind yourself that you forgave them

and even do it again.

But what I'm really wondering about;

what has my mind all muddled is...

What do you do when someone has hurt you but doesn't apologize

and more importantly, doesn't ask for forgiveness.

Hmmmmm.

I believe that God wants us to forgive them anyway

but is it just me or does that seem harder to do when they don't fess up to what they've done?

When the heart hurts

Today I felt my heart breaking. Debbie is moving on Wednesday. Mind you this isn't just a little move as in a couple hours away to Saskatoon move, it's fourteen hours away; two provinces over.

It hit me reeeeally hard today and I pretty much cried off and on all day long.

Now because I am somewhat of a geek I sometimes think in facebook status. Today some of the thoughts I had were "Joni's heart is breaking", "Joni needs some glue and duct tape to fix her broken heart", "Joni is extremely sad". (Did I also mention I'm a bit dramatic at times?) And then tonight at church I was asking God what He wanted to say to me and while I stood there listening this is what He whispered in my heart...

"I want to share your heartbreak."

There are a few passages in the Bible where it talks about God fixing broken hearts, "He (the Lord) heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." [Psalm 124:3] but God didn't say to me, 'I want to FIX your broken heart' He said He wanted to SHARE my heartbreak. In Psalm 34:18 it says that God "is close to the brokenhearted". I believe that our God is a compassionate God who is closely involved in His childrens lives. He rejoices with us in our blessings and He allows Himself to share our pain. I really do believe that. Why do I believe that? Because I see it displayed in people.

Ever since the fall of man pain has been a part of this world. Physical pain, emotional pain, people have given all sorts of different labels for pain but in short, it exists. Some people will run when they sense another is in pain and need. It's just true, pain is a pretty tough thing for anyone and some people just can't take it. Some people really like to fix pain, they love to walk into a situation that has hurt someone and do what they can to fix it; to restore or repair the damage that has ben done. Usually when I think of fixing pain and heartache I think of Red Cross Disaster Relief Volunteers. The Red Cross is an awesome organization that will step in when disaster has torn apart an area. Disaster Relief does a lot of really great work in fixing broken homes, restoring lost possessions and returning people back to their normal sitation. Then there are the people who are willing to share others pain. Greg Paul, who wrote God in the Alley said, "Being among people means being in their midst, not outside. It means being with them , not being over them. It means not looking away from their agony or humiliation, but beholding it and having the courage to be also wounded by their pain." Permiting yourself to be wounded by another's pain is pretty deep. It doesn't mean taking their burden upon yourself (since God is the burden bearer, we don't want to be taking His job!) but it means allowing them to express themself and pointing them towards the One who truly can heal their broken heart. It may mean sitting with them while they cry, walking along beside them as they face what's causing the pain, not always having a "right" answer. It might even mean crying with them, going for a meal with them and paying the bill. Sharing pain has many different faces. "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. live in harmony with one another..." [Romans 12:15-16] There are lots of people in this world who are willing to share another's pain: some ministers, trauma psychologists, sometimes it's not a career thing it's just who you are as a person with the people you love.

And since man was created in the image of God I believe that He also is willing to share our pain.

God allowed me to cry today, to be sad because I am going to miss Debbie more then words can express. He didn't scoff at me, ignore me, or tell me to get over it. What He did do is say that He would share my pain and hold me close to Him in this time.

Because of that, I know that it's right to feel this way and I know that this too shall pass.

People don't believe it's true...

Shy 1 (sh)
adj. shi·er (shr) or shy·er, shi·est (shst) or shy·est
1. Easily startled; timid.
2. a. Drawing back from contact or familiarity with others; retiring or reserved.
b. Marked by reserve or diffidence: a shy glance.
3. Distrustful; wary: shy of strangers.
Synonyms: shy1, bashful, diffident, modest, coy, demure
These adjectives mean not forward but marked by a retiring nature, reticence, or a reserve of manner. One who is shy draws back from others, either because of a withdrawn nature or out of timidity: "The poor man was shy and hated society" (George Bernard Shaw).
Bashful suggests self-consciousness or awkwardness in the presence of others: "I never laughed, being bashful./Lowering my head, I looked at the wall" (Ezra Pound).
Diffident implies lack of self-confidence: He was too diffident to express his opinion.

I found this definition here

Shy 2 or "shyness"
A crippling condition that causes one to draw away from others in social situations. It is, in fact, a fear of other people, especially people you are not familiar with. This condition can lead to tense relationships, lost opportunities, or a wrong reputation of being "rude" or "stuck up" Shyness has been found to usually be caused by a lack of confidence in ones self and even a dislike of ones self.

I found this definition in the recesses of my brain...

I've always been shy, ever since I was a very little girl. I used to hide when people would come to visit my parents. If I ever had to do a presentation at school I would hold my papers in front of my face. I once puked in front of the entire school at a Christmas concert because I couldn't stand the fact that I was standing in front of all those people, dressed as a snowflake. (I was in grade 2) It's always been a part of who I am. I did grow out of it as I got older and had more opportunities put in front of me. I've sang in front of large crowds of people, I've shared my testimony with complete strangers, I taught English to adults overseas, I even MC'd Millar's YouthEdge! So I'm not hopeless.

But sometimes the shyness creeps up on me and takes over. Especially when I meet new people. Which is really an unfortunate time to get shy because I know from experience that it makes a person look like a snob. I'm not a snob, I'm just really shy! Seriously! I started thinking about why I'm shy. What causes me to want to flee when I'm put into some social situations? It's really a very pitiful and selfish reason...

I don't really like myself all that much at times.

Which is stupid because I know who created me and I know He loves me and sees all sorts of potential in me. Besides, the fact that Christ is in me makes it so that I don't even have to worry about what others think of me, or of being rejected. "Greater is He who is in me then he who is in the world."

Plus I'm scared of people. I really am.

Which is also stupid because they are just people, just like me! So why not just smile and love people, not be scared of them. Afterall, "perfect love casts out all fear..."

Change is in the wind...

It's almost that time of year again. Fall. Fall always makes me think of change. people usually move in the fall, last years graduating class takes off for school. There's just always new stuff going on.

I have this strong feeling that this fall is going to bring some major change in my life. Some of it scary change and some of it good change. For example, on September 5th Jenny and Janelle will both be leaving for their first year of Bible school. It's a little sad for me because I feel like I've grown so close to them this past year. On the other hand on Sunday I met Anna, she's new to town and I have a feeling that we are going to be great friends!

I'm thankful that in an everchanging world God will always remain the same. I really like having something constant in my life. I cling to that in the changes that scare me.

It's going to be a good year though, I can tell!

The old...remains?

(New Living Version)
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

(Contemporary English Version)
Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.

(King James Version)
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

(Amplified Bible)
Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!

No matter which translation I read it in 2 Corinthians 5:17 seems to being saying the same thing to me...when you accept Christ into your life and in return give Him yours there's supposed to be a drastic change in you. The old has passed away, how did the CEV put it? "The past is forgotton." What about when your past keeps hitting you in the face?

And I'm not even talking about temptation to sin. I more mean when the past...haunts you, so to speak, and causes you to feel a way that you know God never intended for your life. When Adam and Eve were created and placed in the garden they didn't know what it felt like to be ashamed, or rejected, or unloved, or unwanted. That all came after the fall of man and all of those will pass away when the new Heaven and Earth are set in place. But we live in a fallen world, these are part of our life. Yet I'm supposed to be a "new creation", all those old things are to be gone; passed away; forgotton. Still I come to the same question: what about when they are constantly being brought before you again and again?

It's gets exhausting to fight it. Inevitably someone will do or say something that brings up all these horrible feelings from my past. Sometimes I don't even know what triggered them, they just jump up and shout, "SURPRISE! Now deal with it in a godly manner." Maybe it comes down to believing I am who Christ says I am through Him...maybe I don't really believe that in my heart and in my spirit.

I'm probably not making sense, I need to think about this more and spend some more time in the Word about it. Hmmm...

time to start collecting stones and earth?...

I love the way the New Living Translation words Exodus 20:24...

"Build altars in the places where I remind you who I am and I will come and bless you there."

The Israelites were reminded so many times about who God was while they were wandering in the desert. I sometimes picture altars set up all over along the path of their journey in all the different places where God reminded them of something else. Then I start to wonder if I should be building my own altars.

Now I've never been in the habit of building altars or even thinking about altars all that much but when I read this verse I started to ponder and study altars. I love the meaning behind an alter, it's a public display. I can't think of any examples in the Bible where an altar was built where no one could see it, please inform me if I've missed that passage! Even today altars are always built in conspicuous places where others can take note of them. Think of the testimony that could have been when the Israelites were trying to get to the promised land! You know there's many examples in the Bible where people would build an altar because God taught them something [Genesis 12:7; Genesis 33:18-20] I like to think that other people would see those later and they would know that God showed somebody something in that place.

So how can I build altars in the places where God reminds me who He is? How can I let others who will come to that place after me see that God did something there?

I've been studying again...

I'm tired. I've been pretty busy latley, which I'm not complaining about at all. Just stating a fact. So right now I am tired. Please forgive me if I write strange (well stranger then usual maybe) things or make funny spelling/grammar mistakes. I promise I'm not a complete moron, just tired.
I've been learning a lot of awesome things latley. It all started at our annual winter youth retreat, which by the way was spectacular! There were 57ish of us all together all stuffed into 3 cabins for the weekend! We played a lot of fun games, ate a lot of good food and learned a lot about God. That was my favourite part. I'm not even sure what it was about the weekend but I just decided that I was going to stop coasting in my learning new things about God and actually do it. When I finished at Millar I finished in a very exhausted way. I was just plain tired of studying and learning. So I kind of just stopped, in a way. I would still learn things but only on a basic level most of the time, I just didn't want to dig deeper. I was intellectually lazy. Not all the time, in every matter mind you, but most of the time. So anyway I decided to get over that and start diving in deep to learn the things of God again. It's been delightful! (Side note: I thought of the word 'delightful' just yesterday and realized that I never use that word but it's so wonderful!)
So anyway, one of the things that I've been learning, studying and putting into practice is praising God outloud. For specific things that He's done in my everyday life. It was scary at first. I mean it's easy to praise the Lord for something He did for me when I'm at my small group Bible study or when I'm hanging out with Silver Birch lifers. But it's a whole different story when it's around my coworkers or my family or my unsaved friends. I didn't even realize how differently I might word things when around different people. But in the Bible we read of the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem just days before He was crucified. It says that the crowds (which by the way were His disciples, not the crowds of Jerusalem) were shouting praises to Jesus, praising Him for the things they had seen Him do. So all these followers of Jesus are walking alongside Him as He rides into the city on a donkey and their yelling out things like, "Praise you Jesus for healing that blind man!" or "Oh Jesus, you are so wonderful! You fed 5000 men with only a small amount of food! " or "Jesus you are so great! You raised Lazerus from the dead, I saw it with my own eyes! he was dead but you brought him to life again! " So their saying all these things loudly and the thing is, this is dangerous for them. The people of Jerusalem are not happy to see Jesus coming, just days later Jesus has been crucified, tension fills the air and the disciples could get killed for being associated with Jesus. But right then, in that moment with Jesus rideing on a donkey colt they don't care! They just want to shout out the good things He has done!
What an example for me to follow. I can't really remember the last time I yelled for anyone to hear about something I saw God do that was wonderful and miraculous.

Michelangelo

Michelangelo didn't just paint church ceilings, he also was a great sculptor as well. Michelangelo would get a huge, shapeless hunk of marble and start by using a large hammer and chisel to break away large chunks of the marble block away. After that he would use a smaller hammer and chisel to chip away at the marble to define the shape he was making. After that process was over sand paper would be used to round edges, smooth areas and define even more what Michelangelo was creating. And finally he would use a damp velvet cloth to smooth and shine the finished product, resulting in something such as this...

Many people would ask ole "Mike" how he created that from a hunk of marble. He would reply, "I didn't, it was there all along. I just let it out." He called it "Releasing the form inside"

All this reminded me of mankind and untimatly myself. I believe God created us all with something beautiful and wonderful and amazing inside of us. God created
me with something beautiful and wonderful and amazing inside of me! But ever since I was about 8 years old I havn't believed that to be true. That wonderful thing inside of me had been knocked around, chipped and roughed up. But it's still inside of me, waiting to come out for me to put to use and for the world to see.

But as Michelangelo shows us it ain't always a pretty process getting that out. It needs to be chiseled away, chipped, broken and sanded down. Fortunatly after all that comes the velvet cloth to sooth and shine.

If I want to live as God truly intended me to I need to bring out what He's already placed inside of me. Bring on the chisel Lord.

Extreme Makeover: Joni Edition

No I'm not going through a makeover in the sense that I get a new hair style and colour, and get a new wardrobe I'm talking about more of a soul makeover. This week my small group Bible study started a new study, it's called Breakaway. It's all about breaking away from the world and living the way Christ intended ME to.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

Most of the time I feel very comfortable conforming; being like the crowd. I've never really been one of those stick-out-in-the-crowd type of people, I really enjoy blending in in fact but that's not exactly what Christ has called me to. In the first session of this study we talked about our belief system and how that affects our decisions which ultimatly brings about certain outcomes in our lives. If we have obscure, unbiblical and ungodly belief systems it affects our entire life. When you are unhappy with your life it's usually because of the outcome. Whenever I am unhappy with an outcome in my life I tend to run away but I'm still me, I still have the same messed up belief system. So things remain the same. Thus I need to transform my thinking; my beliefs before I can be happy with who God created me to be and the outcomes of my life.

And so the transformation begins. It's not going to pleasant all the time, I know that already. As in any renovations it can get messy! But I'm committed to changing my whhhack beliefs!

I'll keep ya posted.

God's Unlikely Angels

Have you ever met a person who you know God brought into your life for a purpose? Even if it's just for a few hours, or even minutes. Sometimes you have to stop and wonder if you've just been visited by an angel in disguise. I sure have.

One of them is Sunny.

Over Easter break 12 of us went on an SBBC Ministry Trip to Calgary. We spent the week serving together, praying together, singing together, living together and having fun times together. One of the places we served at (for 2 of our days in Calgary) was The Mustard Seed. This proved to be the highlight of my week and it was here God brought an unlikely angel into my life when I needed one.

On Friday morning we woke up bright and early to be at the Mustard Seed by 6am. The plan was to prepare and serve breakfast until 11am. It turned out that only 9 of us were needed and wanted in the kitchen, so three of us stayed behind to be assigned other jobs. I was given the job of door keeper. Basically I stood at the door that went into the dining hall, letting people in and out (I got to have a walkie talkie and a card key which was a perk!) Enter Sunny into my day. He was sitting at the door where I was to take over for him. He came across as a little intimidating to me as he explained what I was supposed to do as door watcher. I remember he said, "We're not really supposed to sit on chairs while doing this but I'm sort of a lazy ass" (this is what makes me think of him as an unlikely angel :) and so off he went, leaving me at the door.

Now back up a bit here. We all go through times in our lives where we feel far away from God, and when we know we are doing things that aren't pleasing to him. That's where I was before and during this trip (and still now but I am working through it with God's grace evident) I remember thinking so many times during the week in Calgary thought s such as, "I'm not worthy to be a leader on this trip", "What gives me the right to lead these teens in worship?", "Why am I even here, I shouldn't be doing ministry" All lies being fed to me by satan and I was falling for them, dwelling on my wrongs and not moving towards God's grace in my life.

Sunny didn't know any of this, he only knew my name and that I was part of a team from Silver Birch Bible Camp volunteering at different ministries in Calgary. But God knew and He used Sunny to speak to me. All day it was like God was speaking directly to me from Sunny's mouth. At different times while I was at the door Sunny would come and encourage me, telling me I was doing such a great job even though all I was doing was holding open a door! Then later on in the day during their staff devotions we did some singing, I was sitting beside Sunny who had a throat infection which made his singing voice sound not so great. But it was the most beautiful sound I've heard in a long time because Sunny was praising God with all that was in Him. It made me think of how I don't give God my best; my first fruits, which is what he demands and deserves. After the devotions Sunny said goodbye to me and he said, "Thank you for coming today, you brought a spirit here that I've never seen before and I know it was from the Lord. Don't be scared to use the gifts God has given you, you are blessed and God wants you to work for the glory of His kingdom!" It was a profound moment in my life.

I'm thankful God brought an unlikely angel named Sunny into my life for a few brief hours. Thank you Sunny for being God's messenger to me.

Be Joyful WHEN?...

Be Joyful Always.

That's what it says right in the Bible, and I believe the Bible speaks truth into our lives. No matter how silly or hard it may seem. Still don't believe me it says this well let me show you...

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:16-18

See, I wasn't joking! Paul was inspired to write those words. And for me those words became truth almost a year ago now. I'm sure you've all heard it before but let me tell you my story...

It was June 2007, a beautiful, sunny day at Silver Birch Bible Camp. It was staff training week and spirits were high. The only thing bothering me was that I had been experienceing headaches on the left side of my head all week. But I just shrugged them off. Anyhow, we were all sitting around the fire pit while Rick Shared a devotional thought. He spoke about I Thessalonians 5:16-18. While He was sharing I knew for certain that God wanted me to pay attention and make this right in my life. So after I got together with 2 of the other girls and asked them to pray for me; that I would give thanks in all circumstances this summer, be joyful no matter what and always be in prayer. Good enough.

It wasn't 4 days later at teen camp when I noticed that something funny was going on with my right eye. I was swimming and happened to close my left eye, that's when I noticed that things were distorted. Have you ever used a Mac computer photobooth? There is one setting you can use, I think it's called squeezed. That's what the world looked like through my right eye. At first I thought maybe it was because I was in the water and didn't have my glasses on so I continued on with teen camp life. By the end of the week I knew something wasn't right. Every time I closed my left eye the world was "squeezed". So when teen camp ended off I was taken to the emergency room in Meadow Lake. The doctor on call looked at me, listened to my explination and said, "I can't tell what's wrong because I'm not an eye doctor, but something is wrong." He proceeded to get in contact with the City Hospitol in Saskatoon, getting me in to see a specialist and get some tests done. That was Friday, the 6th.

On Monday (9th) my parents took me to Saskatoon. There I was faced with one of worst fears, eye drops! (Little did I know then that eye drops were nothing compared) After sitting with the eyedrops in I was seen by a Resident doctor (Who happened to be very good looking), he got out his magnifier and head lamp, reclined my seat and looked deeply into my eyes, sounds romantic huh! Well it wasn't. I don't know if you've ever been to an Ophthalmologist but it's not always pleasant. First there are the drops to numb your eyes, then there are the drops to enlargen your pupils, then the doctor puts a cold magnifier on the skin around your eye and pushes it in to get a better view. If they still aren't happy with the way they are seeing things you get the yellow dye eye drops. Anyway he finished looking at my eyes and proceeded to ask me questions. Was there anyone in my family with a history of MS? Had I ever been tested for Diabetes? Had I ever had a MRI preformed before? Did I know what MS was? Did the colour green appear reddish to me? Was there a dark shadow in my upper vision? On and on it went while he wrote in his little booklet about me. Suddenly he stopped, turned to me and said five words that changed my life, "I believe you have MS."

That's it, just five words. As soon as he said that my entire body shut down. I just stared at him, not even trying to stop the tears. He was talking about neurologist appointments, getting an MRI done as soon as possible, if I understood what MS was and meant. I heard him talking but none of it was sinking in at that moment. My dad came in, heard the doctor's diagnosis, asked what our next step was, grabbed my hand and walked me out of the hospitol. I was still crying, that was in Saskatoon. When we got to North Battleford I had just finally stopped crying.

I was sent to Meadow Lake right away that same night to recieve my first steroid treatment to get the inflimation in my eye nerves down. For the next 3 days I lived with an IV needle stuck in my hand going back to Meadow recieving more steroid treatments. And just in case your wondering, don't ever willingly take steroids. They really mess with your body and emotions.

For the next 21 days I lived with the belief that I had Multiple Sclerosis, it was a scary thing. That section of scripture up there, I Thessalonians 5:16-18, became what I lived by during those days. God really spoke to me in the fact that He truly is in control, even in the crazy times. When we feel like we are walking through a valley and the darkness will never end. Even in those moments to live in the joy of Christ's death and ressurection; in His love for us. I also learned what it means to "pray continually"; just to be in conversation with God every moment of the day. Telling Him what you are experiencing, feeling, scared of, joyful for. July was an intense month for me and I'm so greatful God told me to pay attention when Rick spoke on those verses. I was also thankful for my Silver Birch family. I continued working at camp during all of this and there were a lot of times when I know I was a horrible person to have around. But my friends supported me, prayed for me, allowed me to vent my fears and just were there walking alongside me in the journey. God has blessed me with amazing friends.

July 30th I was sceduled to have an MRI done (You know something serious is wrong when you get in that fast for an MRI) so my parents took me down again and I went to see the same good looking resident doctor for a check up before the MRI. I sat through the dreaded eyedrops again, and sat back as he examined my eyes. When he looked into my right eye I heard him make a small sound of wonder, then he looked again. He sat back and said, "We seem to have a problem" I though to myself, I already have MS what more of a problem could there be. He said it appeared my retina was now detached (he assured me it had not looked that way when he last saw me) and he was going to get his supervisor, the retina specialist, to come have a look. So in comes Dr. R. He gets on his head lamo and looks at my right eye while the good looking doctor keeps saying how my eye didn't look like that before. Dr. R. sits back and says, "Well that's been detached for at least a month, you need to get into surgery today if at all possible."

Thus began the whirlwind of activity that takes place before surgery. I wound up going home that night only to go back to Saskatoon the next day and be admitted into the City Hospitol. I was admitted at about 10:00 in the morning and given a bed in the surgery prep ward. Let me tell you, once you enter the surgery prep ward there are no more secrets! I spent the day in my bed, answering embarassing questions while the lady in the next bed along with her family listened, as well as recieving encouraging visits from poeple in my life. Finally at 10:15pm the call was made to start preparing me for surgery. This began the worst round of eye drops yet! I was then wheeled into the room just outside of the OR where I talked to the anesthetist about what drugs she was going to give me, then I was wheeled into the OR. It was kinda creepy. The last thing I remember was the IV going into my arm and the mask going over my mouth and nose.

Then there was the drug induced night after I was moved out of recovery. That night is all sort of hazy. I said some crazy things that made the nurses laugh and was in a lot of pain, I do remember that.

Morning came and along with it Dr. R (he was the one who preformed the surgery) with a huge smile on his face. He told me that everything had gone really well in the surgery. Although he had to make some last minute changes to the type of surgery he was going to do as he discovered my retina had been detached for an entire year! Then he told me, "I am 100% sure that this all means you do not have MS!" even in my still drugged up and sore state I was very happy! My good looking doctor along with some other student doctors came and had a look at my eye, turns out they had never seen a chronic retnal detachment at the City Hospitol before so all the students wanted a look at me! I waited for a while and then was released to go home...with more eye drops!

I still went for my MRI a couple days later, just to make sure. The results were normal (whatever that means!) and the doctors sent me home a very happy, blessed and greatful girl!

That was basically a really long story to say that God is awesome and He takes care of us. Even in those seasons of life where it seems like He isn't. We need to remember to pray about everything, living in the Joy of Christ and giving God thanks in ALL circumstances.

Clinging

"GOD is by my side no matter what terrain I cover-whether I'm in the wide, open meadow of joy

or on the tough climb through discouragement."

-Jody Houghton

Christmas Time

This Christmas was wonderful! This is the first Christmas I remember actually enjoying the entire day! There was no fighting, no arguing, no awkward or tense moments. Just good food, good conversation and fun!

This year we weren't with the Waugh side of the family.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my family. I really do. It's just that we don't have the "Hallmark movie christmas moments" like most of the families I know! It's always a bit awkward and tense. But we love each other, in our own special ways.

This year about a week or so before Christmas I went to an evening church service in town. The pastor there spoke an amazing sermon that touched me! He talked about advent and how it is a quiet time of expectation for the coming Savior. He talked about Old Testament times, when the people knew a Messiah was coming they just didn't know quite when. The expectation and anticipation they had of that coming day! I wonder what it was like. I constantly forget the true meaning of Christmas. I get so caught up in the purchasing of gifts for others, the Christmas events in town, the Bethlehem Walk, the Christmas dinner to help prepare and how to make things less tense at our family gathering. Not that those are bad things it's just that I forget that over 2000 years ago there was an entire generation of people waiting for a Savior. Truly waiting for Him to save them.

Bah! I don't even know how to word what I am thinking. I'm just happy that GOD came to earth and made a way for us to be with Him again. I also need to remember that there is another time He is coming! And that I should be anticipating and expecting that as well! Sometimes I get too comfortable here in earth. But this is not my home, there is a better place for me yet!! I need to remember to be in a state of waiting for the Messiah to come and get me!!

I hope everyone had a blessed Christmas!

Oh children

I havn't posted for a while. Mostly because I havn't known what to think or say. After writing my big post about finally being happy in Loon Lake I became very unhappy. Why is it so hard for me to be content? I know that if I did leave Loon Lake right now and pursue something else I would be often thinking back to Loon Lake and everything going on here. So why can't I be content here? It's a very strange thing.

Maybe I just need to go on a trip for a little while, I weekend away. Good thing Youthedge is coming up soon!

I've become involved in a lot of Children's Ministries this year. I help out at 2 different Kids Clubs and I teach Sunday School for age 6-9ish. There is also a bit of camp follow up going on that is kid friendly. Through all this I have discovered...I don't really enjoy children's ministry all that much. Now don't get me wrong I like kids and I like hanging out with them but I don't so much like teaching them. It scares me a little bit. Even though their cute, kids can be intimidating! Now that I know this about myself I still need to stick with all thes things I've committed to for the year. And that's okay, GOD can work even through me and my lack of kids skills!

The difference

Last year at this time I was already discouraged with living in Loon Lake, I dreaded going to church on Sunday morning and I dispised going to work. Last year at about this time I was looking for an out, I had mentally packed my bags and rented an apartment in Regina! You see I had moved to Loon lake very eager to do ministry. I had hoped to get involved in youth ministry, along with being involved in the church and other such things. Well to make a long story short, (because the long story is very long and very dramatic) things didn't pan out the way I had hoped last year. I was pretty much a very discouraged, lonely and unhappy girl.

I didn't want to. But I stayed.

This year, completly different story. I am very involved at church which makes me so happy, tomorrow is my first night of helping with a youth group, I enjoy the jobs I have (they works well with everything else going on in my life) and I am happy here!

So what was last year all about?

The main lesson I learned last year, that was so hard for me was not running away. Ever since I was probably 7 or 8 I have ran away from things that make me unhappy, or uncomforable. I have ran away when things get a bit too intense or me or scary. I have ran away from the unknown and untrusted. Over the past 16 years I have gone through a lotof runing shoes you could say! But last year when I was so unhappy, when uncomfortable situations were coming at me from allaround and when the first and only thing I wanted to do was tie on a new pair of running shoes and race away for all I was worth God firmly and lovingly said, "No. This time you stay."

And I did, for the first time in 16 years I didn't run away. I'm still here and glad about it! Isn't GOD strange? In a good way though! I'd say thanks to Him this girl has put away the running shoes, maybe I'll invest in some comfy slippers, moccasins even!

Cheesy Movies With Good Lessons

This past weekend Debbie and I decided to invite some teeny bopper girls over to watch a movie. We watched Aquamarina, it's a pretty cheesy and lame movie made by the Family Channel but I was pleasantly suprised by the lesson that came out of it. In case you havn't seen the movie and were planning to I am going to give away the ending in this blog. Just so ya know!

The story is about a mermaid who has "swam away from home" to prove to her father that love exists. If she isn't able to prove this in three days she is going to have to return home and be married to a merman of her fathers choosing. (I told you, it's lame!) So she comes ashore and meets two teenage girls who befriend her and agree to help her out. She meets a cute guy and starts to get to know him, all in the effort to find love. The movie goes on, she astounds the cute boy, her friendships with the two girls deepens and it all appears to be working out for her. It's day three of the agreement with her father and she must prove to him love is real. So she asks the cute guy if he loves her.

I know what you're all expecting. A classic cheesy line of his undying love for her, a romantic (family channel approved) kiss, a sunset and a happy song! That's what I was expecting! But instead he says, "I like you yeah but love? We only just met. Why do we have to be in love right now?" In my mind I was like, "Yeah! Way to go Family Channel!" And so the mermaid girl is all dismayed and her father is trying to pull her back to sea, the two girls she has befriended jump in to rescue her, it's all very dramatic! Ther mermaid asks, "Why would you do all of this for me?" and the one girl answers, "Because we love you Aquamarine!" The ocean is calmed, the wind settles and the happy music plays. The girls have proved to Aquamarine's father that love really does exist.

As I was sitting there with three 14-16 year olds who latley are all about boys and 'falling in love' I was happy this was how the movie ended; that love in friendship was elevated and romantic love was encouraged to grow with time.