I've had a lot of big things on my mind; big ideas, big questions, big ponderings, big realizations. There's not much room left up there with all that's going on! It's like when you're filling a container with stuff and you have it full to the brim but then you find that last scarf that you know you can poke and prod in there as well. That's how my head feels!
I've recently come to 2 very big realizations in my life...
1. I have no idea what my passions, gifts and talents are. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing and where I am right now but I'm not content. I just can't help but think that there must be something more that I was created for. I've been doing what I'm doing for so long because there was a need for it, because I do love it and because I'm good at it. A while ago I was just thinking about life and what I love to do and it dawned on me, I'm not really sure what I love to do what I'm really good at, what gives me energy. This isn't a negative thing, it's been exciting thinking about it, praying about it and talking to others about it. It's exciting thinking that God could be taking me new places, and having me do new things! I have the same feeling I get when I have a blank canvas in front of me and a lot of options on how to fill it!
2. All my life I have felt guilty for so. many. things. Things that I don't even have to feel guilty about! I mean the kind of things that when you feel guilty about them it makes you a ridiculous person! [Hello my name is Joni and I am a ridiculous person.] Would you like to know some of the things I've felt guilty about over the years that are ridiculous? Of course you would!
-I don't like water slides
-I enjoy watching movies
-Roller coasters scare me
-Sometimes I just want to be alone
See? I mean who needs to feel guilty about these kinds of things? No one, that's who. People may disagree with my opinion about water slides but it doesn't mean I have to feel bad about it! So I'm going to stop that. It's important that I be ok with who I am I think. Unless it's bad things that really do need to change.
One of the bigger things I've been pondering is how even though I love God so much I do not show it enough or to the best of my ability. Seriously, ponder with me if you will, God's love for me is vast and creative and wonderful, yet somehow I'm very limited in the way that I love Him. Everyone and their barista has gone through or at least heard of The 5 Love Languages. We've all discovered how we are best loved and figured out how to best love the people in our lives according to this. I'm not dissing the theory behind the 5 love languages, I find it helpful. The thing about it is, God is love and He is the one who created all those different ways of loving others so doesn't it make sense that He can be loved in all those ways as well? I don't have to be limited in showing my love to God by singing worship songs and doing good things. I can...no, I should spend quality time with Him, give Him words of affirmation and praise and even gifts. One of the ways that I express love to my friends is making them cards and writing nice things in them. I can do that for God, it might seem silly but He sees my heart in it.
Well it feels good to talk about a few of the things stuffed in my head. My brain can breath a bit deeper now.
