When the heart hurts

Today I felt my heart breaking. Debbie is moving on Wednesday. Mind you this isn't just a little move as in a couple hours away to Saskatoon move, it's fourteen hours away; two provinces over.

It hit me reeeeally hard today and I pretty much cried off and on all day long.

Now because I am somewhat of a geek I sometimes think in facebook status. Today some of the thoughts I had were "Joni's heart is breaking", "Joni needs some glue and duct tape to fix her broken heart", "Joni is extremely sad". (Did I also mention I'm a bit dramatic at times?) And then tonight at church I was asking God what He wanted to say to me and while I stood there listening this is what He whispered in my heart...

"I want to share your heartbreak."

There are a few passages in the Bible where it talks about God fixing broken hearts, "He (the Lord) heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." [Psalm 124:3] but God didn't say to me, 'I want to FIX your broken heart' He said He wanted to SHARE my heartbreak. In Psalm 34:18 it says that God "is close to the brokenhearted". I believe that our God is a compassionate God who is closely involved in His childrens lives. He rejoices with us in our blessings and He allows Himself to share our pain. I really do believe that. Why do I believe that? Because I see it displayed in people.

Ever since the fall of man pain has been a part of this world. Physical pain, emotional pain, people have given all sorts of different labels for pain but in short, it exists. Some people will run when they sense another is in pain and need. It's just true, pain is a pretty tough thing for anyone and some people just can't take it. Some people really like to fix pain, they love to walk into a situation that has hurt someone and do what they can to fix it; to restore or repair the damage that has ben done. Usually when I think of fixing pain and heartache I think of Red Cross Disaster Relief Volunteers. The Red Cross is an awesome organization that will step in when disaster has torn apart an area. Disaster Relief does a lot of really great work in fixing broken homes, restoring lost possessions and returning people back to their normal sitation. Then there are the people who are willing to share others pain. Greg Paul, who wrote God in the Alley said, "Being among people means being in their midst, not outside. It means being with them , not being over them. It means not looking away from their agony or humiliation, but beholding it and having the courage to be also wounded by their pain." Permiting yourself to be wounded by another's pain is pretty deep. It doesn't mean taking their burden upon yourself (since God is the burden bearer, we don't want to be taking His job!) but it means allowing them to express themself and pointing them towards the One who truly can heal their broken heart. It may mean sitting with them while they cry, walking along beside them as they face what's causing the pain, not always having a "right" answer. It might even mean crying with them, going for a meal with them and paying the bill. Sharing pain has many different faces. "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. live in harmony with one another..." [Romans 12:15-16] There are lots of people in this world who are willing to share another's pain: some ministers, trauma psychologists, sometimes it's not a career thing it's just who you are as a person with the people you love.

And since man was created in the image of God I believe that He also is willing to share our pain.

God allowed me to cry today, to be sad because I am going to miss Debbie more then words can express. He didn't scoff at me, ignore me, or tell me to get over it. What He did do is say that He would share my pain and hold me close to Him in this time.

Because of that, I know that it's right to feel this way and I know that this too shall pass.

The old...remains?

(New Living Version)
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

(Contemporary English Version)
Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.

(King James Version)
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

(Amplified Bible)
Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!

No matter which translation I read it in 2 Corinthians 5:17 seems to being saying the same thing to me...when you accept Christ into your life and in return give Him yours there's supposed to be a drastic change in you. The old has passed away, how did the CEV put it? "The past is forgotton." What about when your past keeps hitting you in the face?

And I'm not even talking about temptation to sin. I more mean when the past...haunts you, so to speak, and causes you to feel a way that you know God never intended for your life. When Adam and Eve were created and placed in the garden they didn't know what it felt like to be ashamed, or rejected, or unloved, or unwanted. That all came after the fall of man and all of those will pass away when the new Heaven and Earth are set in place. But we live in a fallen world, these are part of our life. Yet I'm supposed to be a "new creation", all those old things are to be gone; passed away; forgotton. Still I come to the same question: what about when they are constantly being brought before you again and again?

It's gets exhausting to fight it. Inevitably someone will do or say something that brings up all these horrible feelings from my past. Sometimes I don't even know what triggered them, they just jump up and shout, "SURPRISE! Now deal with it in a godly manner." Maybe it comes down to believing I am who Christ says I am through Him...maybe I don't really believe that in my heart and in my spirit.

I'm probably not making sense, I need to think about this more and spend some more time in the Word about it. Hmmm...

late night rant...

I can't sleep. I dislike when this happens. Especially on a Saturday night, good thing I got someone to teach Sunday School in my place tomorrow. I don't think I will be a very happy camper come the morning.

I feel like there's so many things racing through my brain and I have no one that I can talk to about them. Most of it involves the church. I'm so angry with the church! And I have been for some time now. I'm just so sick of pretending, of plastic people who hide behind a mask every Sunday morning. What I am about to type out is a vent. Forgive me if I sound bitter, it's because I am.

GOD created mankind to be relational. First and foremost with Him but also with fellow man. I really believe that, correct me if I am heretical. But we aren't alone in this world, we are connected. GOD created us to be in fellowship with one another, obviously when sin entered the world that was messed up though. Now we live in such an induvidualistic world. We think of ourselves all the time and we do whatever we can to maintain our 'privacy' and put up walls to the rest of the world around us. I mean think of it, mp3 players, iPods, Nintendo DS, they all cut us off from people around us. And we do it in the church too.

Maybe it isn't the same for everybody (I really hope it's not) but my typical Sunday looks something like this...I wake up and look through my closet wondering what will be acceptable to wear. By acceptable I don't mean appropriate I mean that I wonder what I can wear that people won't judge me for. I never do that on any other day of the week, I wear what I am comfortable in. But for some reason on Sundays I feel like I have to step it up a few notches and wear things that I normally wouldn't wear because its "church approved". Then I go to church and I sing the songs, I listen to the announcments and then comes my favourite part, prayer and praise time.

The prayer requests are never personal. Never. It's always for someone else in the family, or a family in town that we know is going through something hard or different events that the church is having. For a while I would shake things up and throw in something personal about myself and what I was going through. Not all the time, just every few months or so. I could tell it made people uncomfortable and I stopped after I realized that even when they prayed for my request it was made into a generalization for everyone in the church and not just me, what I was going through.

Then comes the sermon. No comment.

I'm so tired of being angry and bitter. It's hindering my relationship with GOD and it's hindering my relationships within the church, but I don't know who I can talk to about it that will actually listen. I don't know how to make things better.

I suppose first I have to start with me and fix my attitude. It's bad. But it's so hard, every Sunday the cycle starts again and I leave church either bitter or very, very sad.

The First Snow...

There are many emotions that pass through me during the first snow of the winter. First I feel happy inside. The fluffy, white snowflakes falling gently to earth blanketing everything in a pillowy whitness makes everything seem...cozy. I look out the window and I smile.

Then my thoughts turn to the snow shovel I can see just out of the corner of my eye. This bring to mind a somewhat exasperated emotion. Not that shovelling snow is a horrid thing, I just get tired of it!

But then shovelling snow makes me think about skating out on the lake! Which makes me think of building snowmen, making the perfect snow angel and sledding! I feel a kid like giddiness swell up inside on me of all the months of fun to be had!

This brings me to thoughts of how long winter is. Month after month of snow and cold. I may be a Canadian but after Christmas is over I am ready for winter to be too. The emotion that comes with this train of thought is weariness.

But then I remember, "Oh yeah, Christmas! With that one words feelings of joy and thankfulness flood my being! I adore Christmas! I adore what it stands for, I adore the traditional activities that come along with it, I just adore everything about it!

And so I continue to look out my window at the first gentle snowflakes making their soft decent into the world and I continue to smile...